I'm back in Heaven's Hollow, needing a break from the pace of life in Chapel Hill. Plus I'm trying more to create freedom in my work, in my ability to work from anywhere. Since I develop websites, the Internet allows me to create and communicate from almost anywhere. So why stay put? Why stay immersed in consumerism madness, in the technological rush? I guess unless one needs to keep up. Hence the quandary offered by the ideal of working from anywhere. Can it really work. Or will I lose touch, fall off from being at the forefront with my skills?

"If they get to experience this, they’ll know,” Rani tells me.

Even if that’s true, it’s crazy to give it to people this way. It’s using them. Maybe it’s tricking them, and while I like the notion of a trickster, I think the choice to be enlightened should be one’s own.

And so I contemplated the notion of kairos, when the divine intrudes upon the human, when god comes and hangs out with people, for better or for worse....

"Bitchin'."

That's what someone wrote in response to my blog entry from last night. I don't know why I'm writing all of this and publishing it to the world. It's weird that people can reply. It's weird that no one knows who I am.

Or maybe someone does know. It's possible a friend, or even my parents--if they ever figured out how to use the computer I gave them--could read this. There's all kinds of ways that a search might turn the blog site up. Access to my journals. My mind. My joys, and more frequent recently, my fears.

So I spin the dial on my I-Pod, hoping to find a song that can drown this all out. Drown the voices. Erase the inevitable. Rewrite my promise so I can live with it.

I can't go back. I've got to go forward. Toward. Could I run away? Could I say fuck it? Would he hunt me down if I didn't show up?

Could I bring the cops or the F.B.I., or some other "authority" figure there? What would happen then? If I not only broke my promise but had to ask for help?

Will I fight him. Can I win. Could I kill him.

When I was a kid I always cried when I got in a fight. When I was seventeen I made a promise to myself I'd always trust love. Never fight. Die like Gandhi if I had to, on the heady path of non-violence.

Whatever stops me from talking to Dillan about this, I swear, it's not pride. I'd like it to quit interfering. But I have to be careful.

Because I made the promise I have to be honest.

Which means, I guess, that I can't post these words. They say too much.

"Listen to the girl as she takes on half the world."

-- The Jesus & Mary Chain

Mythago's Journal: "We are all trying to taste this life before it leaps on by."